It seems like every spring... or just as spring is getting ready to win out over old man winter, I start getting that feeling that I need to re-evaluate. And sure enough, this March has brought about those thoughts. I've been ruminating about what I'm leaving undone some days and it makes me feel frustrated.
Its an unsettled feeling. Maybe blown in by the crazy winds we've been getting this week. I don't know. But I have that feeling now. Nine years ago when I got that feeling I was standing in my then-kitchen in Alabama. I was washing dishes and I got this sudden feeling that I was in someone else's life. "How did I get HERE?" was the question that ran through my head. I do have a different life now.. and I Know (1Co 13:12) how I got here and that this is the life that God has designed for me.
Yesterday I was reading some knitting blogs and of my favorites, Twisted Knitter, posted about feeling overwhelmed by some overwhelmed by some things on her own plate. I really was in tune with that piece of writing. Then today at the gym I was catching up on some old podcast episodes from Cast On by Brenda Dayne and she featured a song that stopped me in my tracks. Well almost... I mean, I was on the treadmill, I didn't stop moving but it stopped my brain for a bit and focused me on the message of the lyrics.
Lost My Way by Matthew Ebel (listen here)
"If I put off ’till tomorrow what I wanted yesterday
I’ll just sit here ’till the future come and slap me in the face.
If I don’t change my direction and I float out here in space
then you can’t say that I’ve ever lost my way."
And it got me to thinking. I'm not exactly a goal oriented person. I'm happy always letting things rock on by. When we used to sail in my first marriage, my favorite part wasn't the flying down the bay with the boat healed up on it's side, sails full of wind... it was anchored off mixing margaritas with friends.
Is that a bad thing? I don't know. Are we supposed to be striving all off the time? Because I'm not really. I have a different outlook. Aren't we supposed to be thankful for what we are given? That's how I was raised (more on that in an upcoming post).
There was a time when, as a mom and wife, I was more organized. When Andrew was an infant I was really on top of the house, the laundry, the meals. Then along comes Abi. I haven't done so well balancing two little ones along with all the rest of it. Just the other day I was telling Don about something I'd done and was really proud of. And he said, "yeah, since you got that Martha Stewart Living subscription you're really with it!" Of course he was poking fun at me... but he's right. I really let things go sometimes. I mean, not to the point of grime and chaos, but its not as good as it once was.
Is there a mix of the two that's more perfect? Am I letting too much go? Or if I'm more "with it" will I be one of those moms that misses the small things. Hmmm... gotta think. One thing is for sure, I'm not as focused on the housework thing as I should be. That's got to change. I need to find the flylady again.